Tuesday, June 21, 2005

I am a dynamic individual,

often times seen directing traffic and grating cheese. I have been known to remodel public restrooms, making them more efficient in the areas of air filtration. I translate ethnic slurs for Haitian refugees. I write operas for the deaf. I manage time effectively.

Occasionally, I hold my breath for two days at a time.

I woo women with my sensuous tuba playing, I can roller skate up severe inclines with blinding speed, and I can cook a three-minute egg in two minutes flat. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Brazil.

Using only a teaspoon and three Post-it notes, I single-handedly defended a small village of Pygmies from a hoard of fire ants. I play classical harmonica, I was scouted by the Phillies, I am the protagonist in several best selling novels. When I’m bored, I develop alternate energy sources in my den. I enjoy urban rock climbing and interpretive dance. On Tuesdays after work, I repair electrical appliances, free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a water analyst and a ruthless bookie. I’ve developed a line of velvet underwear that has been well received in fashion circles. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I can solve any Wheel of Fortune puzzle with just the letter “T” showing. Last summer, I toured rural Georgia with a Jewish fold music troupe. I wear a toupee on occasion, though I have all my hair. I bat .370.

My pineapple cheesecake recipe is known worldwide. Children trust me.

I can sink a basket from mid-court. I once read Paradise Lost, A Tale of Two Cities, and Ulysses in one day and still had time to reupholster a couch that evening. I know the exact location of all food in the supermarket. I have worked with the FBI, the CIA and the JCC. I sleep only once a week, and when I do, I sleep standing up. While on vacation in Denmark, I successfully negotiated with a group of Korean terrorists who had seized a bakery. The laws of modern day physics do not apply to me.

I can recite the pledge of allegiance in thirteen languages. I do not own a winter coat. On weekends, I teach origami to amputees, and to let off steam, I participate in full contact bocce ball. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but neglected to jot it down. I have made exquisite four course meals with only a melonballer, Crisco, and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning oysters. I have seen Elvis. I have performed open heart surgery with merely a pen cap and some electrical tape. I can sing Stairway to Heaven so that only dogs can hear it. I have spoken at length with OJ, and have straightened out the whole thing. One day a month, I eat only paprika.

I can bench press four times my weight. I am kind to the elderly. In the first grade, I ate paste, and am now in the process of compiling a recipe book. I majored in Botany just because flowers are pretty. I have Phil Donahue’s personal phone number.

I was once called upon to make peace in the Sudan. I believe that mute people are just not trying hard enough. I have a rubber band ball the size of a watermelon. I discovered have a crue from dyslexia.

I like eggs.

Men and women alike are attracted to my ears. I can juggle with no hands and tap dance with no feet. I have sold ice to Eskimos. I still have my mood ring, godammit. I can get the prize out of a cereal box without making a mess. I run with scissors. Only my butler knows my true identity. I am the proud owner of an eight-track player.

When nature calls, I’m usually not home. I’ve memorized the entire dictionary, except for the L’s. The Rolling Stones don’t make a move without consulting me first. I can tell you how to get to Sesame Street, I just don’t want to.

Four out of every five dentists choose me. I have my own time zone. I frequently update the encyclopedia and I create fine art reproductions with various toasted breads. I defy gravity. When I want you, I will knock three times on the ceiling. I think the Superfriends never gave Aquaman enough credit.

I am not a doctor, but I play one on TV.

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