We were talking about the movie Firestarter the other day, you know the one that came out in the 80’s based on the Stephen King book. It starred a young Drew Barrymore as the title character. I haven’t seen that movie lately, but have seen it several times when it was fresh on cable TV, and remember this much about the movie: Drew Barrymore’s character’s parents met and fell in love at a research facility that was giving people experimental drugs, or maybe some of these people had E.S.P. already, I’m not clear on that part. Anyway these two people meet and fall in love, and after the experiment is over they hook up and get married, and have a young kid who possess a special power all her own, which is causing things to spontaneously combust. I guess it’s better then having no special power at all, but it’s kind of lame, really, you are kind of limited with the things you can do. If I had that power, I’d probably go camping a lot. I’d be all the rage in my social circles, every time anyone would plan a back country overnight outing, they probably cheerfully exclaim, “I know, let’s call Firestarter, she’d be great!” I’d probably audition for survivor, too, and when the survivor teams are struggling, rubbing sticks together to start a fire, I could subtly use my powers and gain the advantage over the other teams.
The fire starting power would also come in handy at work, to heat up my lunch and to toast things. Currently, we have a “no toaster oven policy” at work, and are unable to use anything to heat up our food other then the approved microwaves. This policy came about because someone upstairs on the executive floor tried to toast a piece of lo-carb bread, (made with weird artificial products, I’m sure) and it caught fire in the toaster oven. Luckily, this happened on a beautiful and warm late spring day, and we got to hang out in the parking lot for the mega fire drill. Personally, I try to use a microwave as little if possible, and to my knowledge I haven’t used one in several years. And I say “to my knowledge” because I’m sure at some restaurant or someone’s house, they nuked something and fed it to me. I find it funny that there’s a large commercial industry directed at creating these metal boxes that use radiation to speed up the particles in your food to make it varying warm to hot temperatures. But that’s a whole other rant.
I was never really clear on what special powers Drew Barrymore’s mother possessed, but she seemed like a minor character. Firestarter’s father in the movie had the best power; he just clutched his head, got nosebleeds, and made his will be done. In one scene, he looked at a shady government official sent by big brother to murder him and said, “You’re blind!” and the guy in question dropped to the ground, clutching his face, rolled around screaming “I…I can’t see! I CAN’T SEE!” In another scene, he grabbed a pay phone and looked at it, and all the change started coming out of the coin return slot (they used this money to buy a bus ticket out of town away from the thugs pursuing them). Overall, if I were Firestarter I’d feel gypped, but would make the most of my fire starting ability. It’s actually more practical then spectacular, like her father’s powers. If I were her father, I’d totally abuse my powers. I’d just walk into stores and grab what I wanted, and when I tried to leave with it I’d tell security, “I paid for this already.” Or walk into a place I wanted to work and say, “I got the job.” Thinking about it more, it seems like Firestarter’s father had the Jedi Mind Trick power, combined with other Jedi attributes, like telekinesis. Oh well. I think I’ll see if I can rent Firestarter because now I’m curious. I’m sure if I had cable it would be on somewhere.