Tuesday, March 07, 2006

applicant diplomacy

WARNING: The following may contain some offensive language.

Well, I received an interesting email today, and felt the need to share it with the Blog community. It was pretty simple, most likely from a disgruntled unemployed rocket scientist:

Subject: Honesty

Why don't you let people know UP FRONT that you drug test? You guys suck.
I bet your whole staff uses dope, hypocrites. Have you ever head of a lie of omission?



My co-worker Vero also received a copy of this; we share the same emailbox for applicants. After conferring breifly about it, I sent a politically correct reply back:

Subject: Re: Honesty

Dear Fred,

I'm sorry about the misunderstanding. I do post in each individual job announcement, and on our web site our employment requirements, which include passing a background check (no theft or person-to-person convictions in the past 10 years, no convictions involving the perpetration of a sex crime or death crime ever), passing a drug screen (meaning we drug test), must be 18 and can communicate effectively in English. If you have any further questions, feel free to contact the Branch Manager, Wendy Smith, at [phone number].

Thank you,

Recruiter, Vandelay Industries

Of course, here's what my alter-Id wanted to say:

Dear Disgrunteld Asshole,

If you took the time, or had the ability to fucking read you could see clearly that the drug screen requirements are listed in every ad so jerk-offs like you don't apply and waste our time with a dirty UA. You want honesty? Stop smoking so much dope and maybe you can get a decent job. If the whole staff does indeed use dope (which, we don't, I can assure you--at the very least we couldn't even afford the habit if we were so inclined) we're not confrontational fucks about it, and thus, are gainfully employed.

Good luck in your job search!

Sincerely,

Recruiter, Vandeley Industries


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