Wednesday, August 16, 2006

dragon in sellwood

I took this picture in Sellwood, while on a bike ride.

On a completely unrelated note, I was giving information to someone on the phone today, and asked them if they had something to write with. The other party asked me to hold on, while he audibly rifled through a junk drawer (you know, the drawers we all have that become abysses for the uncategorized). While searching, he remarked to me, "You know, pens are like the police. There's never one around when you need one."

Monday, August 14, 2006

Cat Cloning???

Holy mackeral, I had to blog about this:

I was reading my gmail, which goes through the trouble of scanning my mail for subjects and then providing related links to services or products I might find useful. One of the things that came up while reading correspondence with a friend was a weblink to a Cat Cloning site. I'm not sure how they extracted that from the text of my email, I'm sure I mention a whole lot of unrelated and silly things in my letters, but that was one ad I haven't seen yet. And I had to post it so all of you can reproduce your deceased feline loved one.

I wonder if you can clone your deceased pet but remove all those unwanted behaviors, such as clawing the furniture, hairballs that are stragetically whorfed up onto the rug and not the tile or lineolium floors, bullying tendancies (sorry, Marcus!), or pooping in plants when they're discontent. I'd ask those important questions before cloning my cat. Can you clone a live animal? Wouldn't that be funny if you have like 10 Marcus's sitting around, cleaning themselves, stalking and bullying each other? The amount of food they'd go through would be crazy.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

the day after the end of the fair

I'm glad the fair is over. We went back Monday morning about 8:30 and loaded up our stuff and brought it back. At this point, the fairgrounds had transformed into a desolate and littered wasteland; the skeletal remains of a once lively entity.

The amount of waste an event like this generates is phenomenal. I feel like most of the things sold at the fair are garbage anyway, or have wrappings or paper plates that accompany the items purchased that are just thrown away. Most people just throw stuff away and don't actually think about the big picture or long term effects. It's weird and sad, but there's not a whole lot that can change the course of action things are already headed on. I mean, we can all do our small parts but the damage has essentially been done.

Not to be a downer or anything. I wasn't thinking about waste when I was photographing the rides and stuff, only after the fact, now that I had a chance to be at the fair after it was over.

I have seen documentaries of Woodstock, and they show pictures of the field after Woodstock was over. At that point, most everyone had left, and the immense amount of trash that had been left behind was unbelievable. It looked like a garbage dump; it was amazing that these people who came together to join and celebrate music, and individualtiy, and peace and love would aid to the destruction of the environment.

I think about this stuff sometimes when I'm out walking around, you can't walk very far without seeing some weird garbage on the side of the road--broken tail light remanents, empty plastic soda bottles, bottle caps, cigarette butts, fast-food wrappers, dented and leaking AA batteries--all sorts of discarded items just haphazardly and randomly laying around.

It's so out of hand.

Well, on the lighter side, Monday morning the republican party's booth was still intact, so I took a picture of myself in front of it. This significantly lifted my spirits. Vendors had all day Monday to break their booths down and clean up; most vendors did it Sunday night after the booth closed. I was pretty tired Sunday night so I thought it would be easier to come back Monday morning. I guess the Republicans weren't in a rush to disassemble their messaging because nobody came the entire time we were there cleaning things up.

It felt good to close the trunk and leave, after 4 long and tiring days. I'm glad the fair is over.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

fair midway, during the day

fair midway, evening.

(In no particular order).

documented observations from the fair, part 2

So I’m listening to Thom Yorke’s new music right now. He’s pretty cool, I enjoy listening to his music. There are people eating some pretty ridiculous things, I can’t believe the crap people put into their bodies. I can’t tell which women are pregnant and which women are just fat and sloppy. The thing about fairs that’s interesting is the bonding that happens between neighboring vendors, I’ve gotten to know the women that have the jewelry booth next to me, and the window women on the other side, well mostly Mad Mel, the Ginsu knife guy, the Black Gold Dog food guy, it’s very interesting how those friendships work out. But still a lot of fat fucks here. I think I’m becoming desensitized to the volume of fat people in our world.

Me and Mad Mel.

There was incident before with the punk teenage tweakers that I had to get involved in. The Ginsu knife guy left his booth for a while, but didn’t put the knives away. I noticed the punks over there playing with the knives, slicing the demo fruit and vegetables, and I thought it wasn’t a good idea but just let it go, after all it’s not my booth. Then I noticed they were waving the knives around, and eating oranges and spitting the orange on the cutting board, just getting rowdy. So I went over there and was like “look, kids, you’re being obnoxious, get out of here and show some respect.” They faltered, started grapping the vegetable hunks they cut, and I was like “Get OUTTA HERE!” They left. For a moment there, my dad's words were coming out of my mouth. Then the Ginsu knife guy came back and I was like hey, some punks were fucking up your stuff.” He just replied, “Oh, okay.” I was hoping for a free knife or something for my trouble. I’m sure now I’m a marked person in the eyes of those punks.

I think these kids getting busted are the same kids who were disrespecting the ginsu.

It’s much later, it’s 8:16 PM and I notice it’s pretty dead, but cooler, and I’m seeing more couples walking through here, hand in hand, just looking at the booths. Few groups of teen guys, probably taking a break from the rides that I couldn’t find earlier. I did visit the animal booths, and took pictures of the tortured animals or future food, however you want to look at it. All the people working at the booths seem pretty bored. Except the Quick n Brite guy, who is still enthusiastically doing miked demos, promoting his product as if he was the inventor. The pro-choice women look bored. At least they have each other to talk to. But I have a laptop. Nothing beats that. I have to work hard to stave off these hoarding vultures.

I keep thinking it’s Friday night. That’s actually tomorrow, I’m sure it will be a real hoot with all the kids out on Friday night, being obnoxious and up to hijinks.

This one lady came by and started looking at our flyers, and I explained who we are and what we do. She replied, “Oh that’s good,” and leafed through the different colored materials on the table in front of her. “I have a friend with CP” she remarked, “He gets money for help, but he doesn’t call it government money, he calls it tittie money.” Oh that’s great. I’m so glad I pay taxes so her friend can have tittie money.

Well it’s Saturday, I didn’t write at all on Friday because between booth partners and bored vendors I was occupied pretty much the entire time I was here. They are having a steak fry right now and it smells horrible, usually things like that don’t bother me but I think the smell of burning flesh is just completely nauseating me.

Boy, the only thing worse then a mullet is people who are wearing rat-tails. The only thing worse then a rat-tail is a bleached rat-tail.

The Ginsu knife guy is kind of a dick. Last night the alarms went off in here, at first we all thought that some kids found the alarms and pulled them, but this world being in the state of emergency that it is, we all grabbed our valuables and evacuated. My co-worker and I went outside, and being from the Northeast part of the untied states, decided that if there’s an emergency, the best thing you can do is avoid the panic stampede and leave. As we were making a bee line for the entry gates, we passed several hurried firemen and policemen running towards our pavilion. Oh well, I guess that’s the end of that shift.

Ginsu guy in mid-presentation.

Well, the next day (today) we were talking about what could have happened, and my co-worker suggested I ask Mr. Ginsu because he was here when everything went down. I went over and asked him, and received the dick vibe, and he said, “Yeah, some punk ass kids pulled the alarm” while staring blankly ahead, not making any eye contact. He had nice eyes, but that was about the only thing nice about him.

No shit I think Carl Click from Channel 2 is here, at the Republican booth. Those republican fuckers. More children on leashes walking around controlled by their parents.

Now that I’m looking at him, it’s actually not Carl Click.

Another nasty fat bitch yelling at her little kid. I can’t take these fat bitch women who yell at their kids in a demoralizing manner. In the 70’s and early 80’s things were still a little old school; people didn’t get involved and there was still a good deal of spoil the rod spare the child thinking going on. Today it’s all different; at least it seems different from my adult perspective.

The decline of western civilization.

I wish I had rememberd my Sims game, I keep forgetting the disk and absolutely can’t get internet, I’m in some kind of dead zone or something. I see a lot of security guards but they are traveling in packs of 2 or 4. Not very effective if you ask me. Wacky Kathleen told me that yesterday after we left there were gang fights all around the fair.

There’s another vendor I have been observing who’s directly across from me, his company name is Mr. Sticky, and I guess his product is an expensive, new-fangled lint brush. He seems much nicer then Mr. Ginsu, and has a lot more charisma. I wonder which vendor was the most successful throughout the duration of this event. The Quick-n-Brite guys have been pretty busy as well, they have a real practiced schpeil going on, and most of these vendors have a microphone. I think it would be funny if someone had a bullhorn.

I think I talked earlier about the nasty bathroom situation in this building. I refuse to use the assy bathroom, and went over to this brick square bathroom building by the Dairy Women soft-serve ice cream barn. Yesterday I had some success as far as no line to use the bathroom and the cleanliness factor much higher then the bathroom here. And it didn’t smell like ass. Well, today dashed all of my hopers. After waiting in a painfully long line, I got to the next available stall which was about 3 ½ feet across, and at least ½ foot was taken up by the obnoxiously large toilet paper roll receptacle. The floor was all wet, and I’m not sure from what but now in addition to the balancing act I have to be careful not to let my pants touch the ground when I pull them down. After hovering and peeing, I pulled myself together was shocked to notice a large amount of blood smeared on the stall wall. Now guys are gross, but I think women are much grosser. I thought I was going to vomit when I saw that; I couldn’t believe it. That’s such a biohazard.

I was just talking with wacky Kathleen about carousels and rides, and brought up the Disney carousel. It’s pretty nice, but of course Disney has money to have nice things. Which reminds me that Disney has some awesome mosaic tilework as you walk through the Cinderella castle. Jesus I wonder how much it costs to go to Disney anymore. It used to be like 25 or 30 bucks, but I’m thinking nowadays it’s about 60 bucks.

This little girl walked up to me, and said, “What are you doing?” as I typed on my computer. I started to reply, but she interrupted, and grabbed some candy and asked, “What are these?” I’m sure she knows what they are. “You don’t even care what I’m doing,” I told her. For a moment, she had a shocked look on her face. Then I told her she could have one piece, and could have a pen, too. The candy she took was one of the hot cinnamon pieces, so I really didn’t mind too much.

Who comes to a county fair wearing high heels? Besides in here, there aren’t many flat surfaces. It's mostly gravel, grass, dirt and hay.

Jesus I’m tired. I just want to go home. I wouldn’t mind some popcorn or even a candy apple but I deliberately didn’t bring money so I wouldn’t purchase fair food and contribute to this stupid cause. It’s not really a county fair or even a country fair, but more of a redneck fair. Monster truck pulls, fried bread booths, farm animals, diving dogs, ride operators that are 2 teeth over the 4 tooth minimum (My cousin originally said that, and it's so true).

This little kids was picking his nose and eating it, in a stroller parked next to my booth. He looked at me, and I shook my head “no” and said “don’t do that.” He turned his head and continued to pick and eat his boogers. It was pretty gross. Kids can be so gross.

Mr. Ginsu has given his schpeil so many times while I’ve been sitting here I have part of it memorized. At one point, he says, “These knives slice so thin, one lady told me she had a tomato she sliced so thin she made it last all winter.” Haw haw haw. I wonder if he made that up himself. Whenever Mr. Ginsu gets to the orange slicing part of his demo the refreshing citrus scent wafts over here.

Some fat mutant just came over and took a pen but snubbed my candy. She looked like a stuffed sausage wearing a purple cowboy hat, lavender t-shirt and grey sweatpants shorts that were a bit on the revealing side. At least she snubbed the candy, it wasn’t like she needed it.

I’m starting to notice gang kids walking around. I think the people who would be interested in my booth are filtering away, and the people who are here just for the rides are showing up. Tomorrow, thankfully, is the last day of the fair and I’m getting here a bit early so I can take pictures of the rides and environment while it’s vacant.

I’ve been about 20 “Vote For Pedro” shirts since I’ve been here. Maybe Pedro should run for president.

Washington County Dems.

I have this google maps feature on my desktop, and it keeps scrolling though different maps, right now it’s showing Atlanta, GA, but the map before it showed Uzbekistan. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom again and simply cannot use these bathrooms. I think I’ll hold it and just go home. Maybe I’ll do a walk through to see what’s going on, or if any other informational vendors have left yet. Those republicans are die-hard, they are here all the time. I guess they don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to talk someone over to the dark side. Not that I’m a democrat, either, I agree more with democratic values but think they can be pussies sometimes. I’m registered as an Independent, but read all the voting materials that come in the mail and choose who I think is the best candidate every time. Lots of mutants walking through here. It’s a mutant festival. I think there’s a fight occurring outside. Nothing like mixing beer with monster trucks and rednecks. Except maybe snot covered babies crying.

Kat-a-rina. Mad Mel explained that her name is actually Wendy but she legally changed it for whatever reason. So I’ve taken to calling her Wendarina.

“If you can’t slice like this, the first time, the hundredth time, slice deli thin or as thick as you like” Mr. Ginsu is doing his shows again for the masses huddled inside from the rain.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

documented observations from the fair, part 1

No Internet at this crap ass county fair. I’m unsuccessfully trying to use my cell phone to check email messages. But it’s taking forever for each page to load. A lot of tweakers running around.

I’m not a fair barker. I’m not into yelling about the services our company provides (which are services for people with disabilities). I should make these fuckers work for the coffee cups I’ve brought and displayed. I should give one out for each person that signs up for the training program. This place is so weird. It’s like the Washington County Republicans are in a booth next to pro-choice Planned Parenthood (but I really know what Planned Parenthood is all about, under the fa├žade of all that pro-choiceness).

who coordinated planned-parenthood next to the republicans?

There's an old bitter guy in a scooter telling racist jokes and blond jokes. He hung around me for about an hour, and told me many Polish and blond jokes. Now, I’m both, and it got to be a little annoying. He also told a bunch of Mexican jokes, and made mention several times that he thought many things were “un-American.”

Jesus fucking Christ it’s only 11:34 (upside down spells “hell”) and I have 11 ½ hours left today before I can leave this fiasco. Lots of religious booths. Lots of fat mutants and annoying kids. Young teen girls wearing too much make up wanting to know if the mugs are free. They’re not, at least not to you. People and their kids are really annoying. Snot nosed coughing without covering the mouth.

Lots of Jesus tents.

So I explain to this fat ass cow and her brood that we provide services for people with disabilities. Her reply was “No, we really don’t have that.” Okay, thanks see you later.

Some old bag walks by, I say hi, would you like a pen? “No thanks,” she replies, I don’t want to carry it around.” A fucking pen! How much of an inconvenience could that possibly be??

So this uptight older baby boomer looking couple walks by, I explain what we do. They just blankly nod and walk off.

Tons of factory authorized demonstrations. Whatever that is. I think it would be funny if some of those things were factory un-authorized demonstrations.

I wonder who put the Washington County Republicans next to the Pro-Choice people. I wonder if that was done on purpose or by accident. That’s quite an accident, but I guess it could be worse and pro-choice could be next to one of the many religious groups here.

Probably not an accident.

Some woman just briskly yanked a 5 year old through the pavilion room I’m in, stopped in the middle, and yelled at him, completely demoralizing him. He’ll remember that forever. He’s probably going to grow up and turn into a wife beater or something. I wanted to grab that lady and yank her around, I feel this rage start inside of me and it takes a lot to suppress it and ignore these flammable situations.

For a moment, I thought I had an internet connection but for some reason it doesn’t work. Some drunk guy approached me, and between belching and drinking his beer asked me about what we do. I noticed he was missing a few fingers, and told me he has a handicapped tag for his car so he could work for us. He wasn’t interested in applying for work, and didn’t take an application. He was barely coherent, and with his ancient mother, who just stood silently with a confused look. I keep hoping that there is an Internet connection that pops up all of a sudden. Avon has a huge weird tent thing, music blaring and enticing women young and old to try their animal tested upon products to enhance their beauty.

Finally I gave out an application to someone who seems like he’d qualify for our servies. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who walked up to my booth, and after I explain what we do they make a crippled motion and an “uungh” noise to indicate they all of a sudden have MS or something. At least 10 so far, and the fair’s only been open not even 3 hours.

Some redneck bitch just walked up, put her hand on one of my mugs, and asked, is this for free? I replied, only if you are signing up for one of our programs. Then explained what we do. She went “hmm” and walked off with the pens I’m giving out for free.

Some old guy walked up to my table, and stopped me short when I started telling him who we are and what we do. “I know who you are,” he said with obvious contempt in his voice. “Wonderful” I tried to enthusiastically relay, “do you have any questions?” “No” he hissed. “You know the manager Roy Swanson? Well, you hired him instead of me.” As quick as the old man appeared, he tottered off. I thought, look I’ve been at this company for about 4 months I don’t know who the fuck Roy Swanson is.

Great. Another person wanting free cups and making motions as if their arms were crippled. I’m really sick of these fake people telling me to keep doing what I’m doing. “You’re doing a great job, keep it up” they tell me. They don’t know who the fuck I am or how I work. They’re just filling the void of silence with verbal diarrhea.

It’s starting to get pretty warm in here. A family of fat fucks just plowed through here. Gangway, onto the elephant ears and curly fries! What a sad state of affairs our country is in, I have never seen more fat kids in my entire life. What a shame.

view from the booth.

Boy it’s frigging hot now; I’m feeling a little sleepy and delirious. The bathrooms are very gross, high traffic nasty small stalled smelly bathrooms. When you first walk in (which takes a few minutes because there’s a line) you are hit with a strong ass smell. Not even a poop smell, but the smell of big fat sweaty ass cracks. It’s about 3 PM, 8 hours left in this day.

Another retired special ed teacher, and another good for you keep up the good work. I could be stealing hundreds of dollars of office supplies from our company and reselling on ebay and these ignorant people who tell me to keep up the good work wouldn’t know it. I have been talking to my NY neighbor a lot; she’s signing up people for a free barbeque but is getting about as much business as I am. A lot of people are in the next room over, where there is much more activity and live demos showing off the latest technology in vegetable dicing, knives that cut tin cans then smoothly cut tomatoes, easy installation of tub lines and seamless shower walls, Quick n Brite metal polishers, things that don’t have much to do with anything that I’m representing. It seems (and I hear nearby conversation) people are going into the first room over there, checking out all the stuff, then leaving back into the realm of vomit inducing rides and more junky fair food then you can think of. I’ll have to get out later and take a few pictures.

booth neighbors, a.k.a. products that have nothing in common with my company.

It’s very hot now and there are groups of people walking around arguing with each other, fanning themselves, looking all damp and sweaty and flush from the heat, or from sunburn that hasn’t quite set in yet. I haven’t talked to the Washington County republicans yet, but they are annoying me from a distance, smarmy looking bald white upper middle class men, and an old bag, smiling to themselves talking up their conservative religious right party. Talking little kids into taking their balloons, and the kids don’t know any better and are walking around with their stupid elephant red white and blue balloons. I hope the democrats in the next room come up with something similar. Tomorrow night (Friday night) should be much more interesting, people watching wise. There’s a group of about 20 Mexican kids and 3 pregnant women holding screaming kids that look a little to be to be holding still standing in front of my booth contemplating asking for free candy.

I see some of these fat families walking around, and see they have little kids that are fat, and I can think when I look at the parents is how could those two get aroused enough with each other to fuck and to successfully become pregnant? I just don’t get it, but I guess human nature dictates that everyone fucks at some point, except maybe for eunuchs or something.

I think a lot of people aren’t coming in here because it’s so hot. I’m just sitting here and I’m sweating. Ahh, I see someone’s entered with their child on a leash. I thought that went out of fashion in the early 90s, but it’s good to see that there’s someone still enforcing it.

We got crappy candy to give out, and all of the kids are turning their noses up to it. It’s pretty funny to seen them snub the candy and wander off all dejected. We have these weird mints that are like after dinner mints, but bigger, weird cinnamon hot candies (but they’re not that hot, not like redhots or anything) and these sticky crappy strawberry candies in the wrapper that looks like a strawberry. My co-worker got the candy from the dollar store. Nothing like a wasteland of crap.

The phrase “wasteland of crap” reminds me of a store in Portland that houses the largest quantity of pre-landfill materials, everything you would never want under a 4 story roof. Gadgets, puzzles, crappy books, cheap home decor in droves, plates, cups, clothing, seasonal crap, you name it it's probably in this huge building. There’s more furniture on the upper floors, and a basement, I think. It must have been a real hassle moving the furniture deliveries in and up to the appropriate floors.

4 cops just walked in and are looking around. I’m guessing by the looks on their faces that they’re not here for the rides and Ronco rotisserie demonstrations.

Law enforcement is good.

What a hot summer we have had so far. Nothing like I remember in the past 7 summers I have been here. My memory makes me think there were a few hot days, then that was about it. This summer, it’s been blocks of days, broken up by warmer days, at least 85-90 degrees. I just don’t own that much in the way of cool clothing; I have one pair of shorts. There’s some white trash bitch talking down to her kid, who’s in a stroller and doesn’t even look 1, and they both smell like a shitty diaper. I see people sometimes walking around with a complete brood, like 4, 5, 6 kids and I think to myself (what a wonderful world) what a pain in the ass. What an asshole, why does anyone need that many family members? You know they’re not millionaires, which is what it would take to raise that amount of kids in a halfway decent fashion, I mean not sucking off of food stamps or other things.

There’s considerable pink faced traffic streaming through here, carrying midway prizes of giant stuffed animals probably manufactured in China for 12 cents a piece, but requires a fairgoer to spend at least 10 dollars to try to win at some rigged skill game.

I could really use a piece of floss. I have a piece of spinach between my teeth.

It’s pretty dead in here. The lady who’s supposed to be working at the booth next to mine has been MIA since she came on shift. The shallow people who are coming over here asking me for a pen don’t give a shit about who our company is or what we do. I don’t know why I’m complaining because at least I have an outlet, and power to run my laptop. I wish now I had Christmas lights, just so I can be like the Washington County republicans.

boo republicans!

I just had a group of kids come up and talk to me, who were with their counselor, and they weren’t 18 but obviously had some kind of learning disability, but when I was a kid they were just “slow.” Or they were in the “SLD” classes (which ironically stood for slow learning disability). Or, if someone was disabled and went to Countryside High, their classes were in the “I” wing. This one Puerto Rican kid I knew named Fatal would say, “Yo what’s up I wing?” if he was trying to insult you.

The lady next door who was MIA (I think her name is Wendy or something) showed back up and was disappointed that nobody stopped by while she was gone. “You mean nobody came by??” she asked in disbelief. “Yeah, well, maybe a couple” I half-heartedly answered, while listening to downloaded Howard Stern on my laptop. “I can’t believe it.” She remarked as she wandered around her booth, straightening things up. She might have more business if she was hanging out here. I know she’s getting at least 15 bucks an hour to not be at her booth and walk around the fair. The smell of fair food is overwhelming in here, although there are no food booth vendors. I guess it could be worse; we could be situated right next to the animals or tractor pulls.

In Bethlehem, CT, I would take the people we cared for to their local summer fair, which was much better and bigger then this one. The difference is amazing, considering that this is a whole county fair, whereas the CT one was just for the town of Bethlehem. They used to have an ox pull, which was less noisy and more interesting then a tractor pull. I mean, tractor pull, big deal! Of course a motorized tractor can pull objects, it’s designed to. Duh.