Saturday, August 12, 2006

documented observations from the fair, part 2

So I’m listening to Thom Yorke’s new music right now. He’s pretty cool, I enjoy listening to his music. There are people eating some pretty ridiculous things, I can’t believe the crap people put into their bodies. I can’t tell which women are pregnant and which women are just fat and sloppy. The thing about fairs that’s interesting is the bonding that happens between neighboring vendors, I’ve gotten to know the women that have the jewelry booth next to me, and the window women on the other side, well mostly Mad Mel, the Ginsu knife guy, the Black Gold Dog food guy, it’s very interesting how those friendships work out. But still a lot of fat fucks here. I think I’m becoming desensitized to the volume of fat people in our world.

Me and Mad Mel.


There was incident before with the punk teenage tweakers that I had to get involved in. The Ginsu knife guy left his booth for a while, but didn’t put the knives away. I noticed the punks over there playing with the knives, slicing the demo fruit and vegetables, and I thought it wasn’t a good idea but just let it go, after all it’s not my booth. Then I noticed they were waving the knives around, and eating oranges and spitting the orange on the cutting board, just getting rowdy. So I went over there and was like “look, kids, you’re being obnoxious, get out of here and show some respect.” They faltered, started grapping the vegetable hunks they cut, and I was like “Get OUTTA HERE!” They left. For a moment there, my dad's words were coming out of my mouth. Then the Ginsu knife guy came back and I was like hey, some punks were fucking up your stuff.” He just replied, “Oh, okay.” I was hoping for a free knife or something for my trouble. I’m sure now I’m a marked person in the eyes of those punks.

I think these kids getting busted are the same kids who were disrespecting the ginsu.


It’s much later, it’s 8:16 PM and I notice it’s pretty dead, but cooler, and I’m seeing more couples walking through here, hand in hand, just looking at the booths. Few groups of teen guys, probably taking a break from the rides that I couldn’t find earlier. I did visit the animal booths, and took pictures of the tortured animals or future food, however you want to look at it. All the people working at the booths seem pretty bored. Except the Quick n Brite guy, who is still enthusiastically doing miked demos, promoting his product as if he was the inventor. The pro-choice women look bored. At least they have each other to talk to. But I have a laptop. Nothing beats that. I have to work hard to stave off these hoarding vultures.

I keep thinking it’s Friday night. That’s actually tomorrow, I’m sure it will be a real hoot with all the kids out on Friday night, being obnoxious and up to hijinks.

This one lady came by and started looking at our flyers, and I explained who we are and what we do. She replied, “Oh that’s good,” and leafed through the different colored materials on the table in front of her. “I have a friend with CP” she remarked, “He gets money for help, but he doesn’t call it government money, he calls it tittie money.” Oh that’s great. I’m so glad I pay taxes so her friend can have tittie money.

Well it’s Saturday, I didn’t write at all on Friday because between booth partners and bored vendors I was occupied pretty much the entire time I was here. They are having a steak fry right now and it smells horrible, usually things like that don’t bother me but I think the smell of burning flesh is just completely nauseating me.

Boy, the only thing worse then a mullet is people who are wearing rat-tails. The only thing worse then a rat-tail is a bleached rat-tail.

The Ginsu knife guy is kind of a dick. Last night the alarms went off in here, at first we all thought that some kids found the alarms and pulled them, but this world being in the state of emergency that it is, we all grabbed our valuables and evacuated. My co-worker and I went outside, and being from the Northeast part of the untied states, decided that if there’s an emergency, the best thing you can do is avoid the panic stampede and leave. As we were making a bee line for the entry gates, we passed several hurried firemen and policemen running towards our pavilion. Oh well, I guess that’s the end of that shift.


Ginsu guy in mid-presentation.


Well, the next day (today) we were talking about what could have happened, and my co-worker suggested I ask Mr. Ginsu because he was here when everything went down. I went over and asked him, and received the dick vibe, and he said, “Yeah, some punk ass kids pulled the alarm” while staring blankly ahead, not making any eye contact. He had nice eyes, but that was about the only thing nice about him.

No shit I think Carl Click from Channel 2 is here, at the Republican booth. Those republican fuckers. More children on leashes walking around controlled by their parents.

Now that I’m looking at him, it’s actually not Carl Click.

Another nasty fat bitch yelling at her little kid. I can’t take these fat bitch women who yell at their kids in a demoralizing manner. In the 70’s and early 80’s things were still a little old school; people didn’t get involved and there was still a good deal of spoil the rod spare the child thinking going on. Today it’s all different; at least it seems different from my adult perspective.

The decline of western civilization.


I wish I had rememberd my Sims game, I keep forgetting the disk and absolutely can’t get internet, I’m in some kind of dead zone or something. I see a lot of security guards but they are traveling in packs of 2 or 4. Not very effective if you ask me. Wacky Kathleen told me that yesterday after we left there were gang fights all around the fair.


There’s another vendor I have been observing who’s directly across from me, his company name is Mr. Sticky, and I guess his product is an expensive, new-fangled lint brush. He seems much nicer then Mr. Ginsu, and has a lot more charisma. I wonder which vendor was the most successful throughout the duration of this event. The Quick-n-Brite guys have been pretty busy as well, they have a real practiced schpeil going on, and most of these vendors have a microphone. I think it would be funny if someone had a bullhorn.

I think I talked earlier about the nasty bathroom situation in this building. I refuse to use the assy bathroom, and went over to this brick square bathroom building by the Dairy Women soft-serve ice cream barn. Yesterday I had some success as far as no line to use the bathroom and the cleanliness factor much higher then the bathroom here. And it didn’t smell like ass. Well, today dashed all of my hopers. After waiting in a painfully long line, I got to the next available stall which was about 3 ½ feet across, and at least ½ foot was taken up by the obnoxiously large toilet paper roll receptacle. The floor was all wet, and I’m not sure from what but now in addition to the balancing act I have to be careful not to let my pants touch the ground when I pull them down. After hovering and peeing, I pulled myself together was shocked to notice a large amount of blood smeared on the stall wall. Now guys are gross, but I think women are much grosser. I thought I was going to vomit when I saw that; I couldn’t believe it. That’s such a biohazard.

I was just talking with wacky Kathleen about carousels and rides, and brought up the Disney carousel. It’s pretty nice, but of course Disney has money to have nice things. Which reminds me that Disney has some awesome mosaic tilework as you walk through the Cinderella castle. Jesus I wonder how much it costs to go to Disney anymore. It used to be like 25 or 30 bucks, but I’m thinking nowadays it’s about 60 bucks.

This little girl walked up to me, and said, “What are you doing?” as I typed on my computer. I started to reply, but she interrupted, and grabbed some candy and asked, “What are these?” I’m sure she knows what they are. “You don’t even care what I’m doing,” I told her. For a moment, she had a shocked look on her face. Then I told her she could have one piece, and could have a pen, too. The candy she took was one of the hot cinnamon pieces, so I really didn’t mind too much.

Who comes to a county fair wearing high heels? Besides in here, there aren’t many flat surfaces. It's mostly gravel, grass, dirt and hay.

Jesus I’m tired. I just want to go home. I wouldn’t mind some popcorn or even a candy apple but I deliberately didn’t bring money so I wouldn’t purchase fair food and contribute to this stupid cause. It’s not really a county fair or even a country fair, but more of a redneck fair. Monster truck pulls, fried bread booths, farm animals, diving dogs, ride operators that are 2 teeth over the 4 tooth minimum (My cousin originally said that, and it's so true).

This little kids was picking his nose and eating it, in a stroller parked next to my booth. He looked at me, and I shook my head “no” and said “don’t do that.” He turned his head and continued to pick and eat his boogers. It was pretty gross. Kids can be so gross.

Mr. Ginsu has given his schpeil so many times while I’ve been sitting here I have part of it memorized. At one point, he says, “These knives slice so thin, one lady told me she had a tomato she sliced so thin she made it last all winter.” Haw haw haw. I wonder if he made that up himself. Whenever Mr. Ginsu gets to the orange slicing part of his demo the refreshing citrus scent wafts over here.

Some fat mutant just came over and took a pen but snubbed my candy. She looked like a stuffed sausage wearing a purple cowboy hat, lavender t-shirt and grey sweatpants shorts that were a bit on the revealing side. At least she snubbed the candy, it wasn’t like she needed it.

I’m starting to notice gang kids walking around. I think the people who would be interested in my booth are filtering away, and the people who are here just for the rides are showing up. Tomorrow, thankfully, is the last day of the fair and I’m getting here a bit early so I can take pictures of the rides and environment while it’s vacant.

I’ve been about 20 “Vote For Pedro” shirts since I’ve been here. Maybe Pedro should run for president.

Washington County Dems.


I have this google maps feature on my desktop, and it keeps scrolling though different maps, right now it’s showing Atlanta, GA, but the map before it showed Uzbekistan. I feel like I have to go to the bathroom again and simply cannot use these bathrooms. I think I’ll hold it and just go home. Maybe I’ll do a walk through to see what’s going on, or if any other informational vendors have left yet. Those republicans are die-hard, they are here all the time. I guess they don’t want to miss out on an opportunity to talk someone over to the dark side. Not that I’m a democrat, either, I agree more with democratic values but think they can be pussies sometimes. I’m registered as an Independent, but read all the voting materials that come in the mail and choose who I think is the best candidate every time. Lots of mutants walking through here. It’s a mutant festival. I think there’s a fight occurring outside. Nothing like mixing beer with monster trucks and rednecks. Except maybe snot covered babies crying.

Kat-a-rina. Mad Mel explained that her name is actually Wendy but she legally changed it for whatever reason. So I’ve taken to calling her Wendarina.

“If you can’t slice like this, the first time, the hundredth time, slice deli thin or as thick as you like” Mr. Ginsu is doing his shows again for the masses huddled inside from the rain.

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