Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Leeloo Dallas Multipass

I’ve been trying to identify with this feeling I’ve had all day, it’s like restlessness paired with a discontent or dissatisfaction. I can’t quite put my finger on what I’m feeling and also can’t figure out where the feeling is coming from. I am aware I have several emotional irons in the fire at the moment; the topics in my head cover the spectrum of work, school and life in general. It seems like what I’m feeling originates in the brain, travels to the heart, courses through my veins to my extremities and fills me with what can best be described as a distracted annoyance. What’s more, since I’ve been so entrenched in the Bridges’ Transitions Model I am really taking a close look at everything with a different lens.

I started this term thinking to myself, “hmm...this model doesn’t currently apply to me, I’m not going through any changes” but am now rethinking this stance. I feel like I am enmeshed in change, everything thing that happens, everything I do, voluntarily and involuntarily is this big swirl of several simultaneous changes and stages of transition. On one level, I just tell myself that I’ve over-analyzing everything and to relax. Sleeping on something that's bothering me and looking at it again the next day has been very helpful in avoiding an abrupt and unplanned reaction. But I feel for a while there has been a nagging sensation in the background. Once I started really getting into the assignments in this class, these other somewhat stationary shipwrecks became dislodged from the sea floor and broken pieces are beginning to surface.

I’m feeling the pressure of school and the upper division course load. Sometimes I think that the university environment doesn’t understand that some students are older and have to work full time to maintain self-sufficiency. I have some personal stuff in the mix, for example having the realization that I am experiencing the loss of a friend. I don’t mean to imply that they passed away; I mean to say that time and space has a way of growing a chasm between familiar comfortability. The result is a lingering nostalgia and circumstances warranting powerlessness with regard to making a change. Work is a full time plus situation, easy. There are million and one things going on at work, on a variety of levels occurring all the time. I provide direct services so the challenge of serving people covers quite the spectrum. I am also a manager so I have a lot of obligations specific to that also weighing heavily on my mind. There’s also the precarious nature of grant funding, the Affordable Care Act, fiscal cliffs and other federal budget things going on. And of course staff specific issues are present. For example, we just brought a new executive director on board (literally today, like about 3 hours ago we all found out). We had been without one since November so our company has been in a state of flux.

Anxiety is a funny thing. Before I knew what it was, I could never articulate the coiled spring feeling I had inside of me.  Now that I can see it for what it is, I can take measures to reduce it or steps to circumvent it. Exercise is great for this. So is yoga in my basement, listening to music or listening to nothing at all but the sound of silence. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Most of the time I'm good.

I’ve been big on self-care these past few years. I’ve figured out some things that refresh me. Hanging out in the eastern Oregon desert, a hike in the mountains or in the gorge, a walk around an empty abandoned industrial area on a warm weekend day. I like expressing creativity, lately it’s been cooking or sewing but that’s just two in a sea of a million.

I like The Fifth Element and Bruce Willis and Mila Jovovich.  

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